Discovering Your CORE After a Divorce

October 8th, 2020 by

So, your divorce is final. But now what? 

Major life events, like a divorce, often come with a wave of emotions and these emotions differ from person to person.  While some of these feelings may be overwhelming, one of the first things to remind yourself of is that IT IS OK TO MANAGE YOUR FEELINGS. 

Most people, though, in some form or another begin to look for themselves to find a CORE:  Comfort, Order, Reason, and Equanimity. 

After your divorce, you may want to book a weekend – or a week – for a self-care vacation to unwind and start to find your CORE. Breathe deeply, indulge yourself, see some sights you have never seen before. But then, you must return to reality and get ready to take the next steps on your new path. (P.S. Baby steps are ok.)

What composes your CORE? 

Comfort means taking care of yourself, feeling secure, and supported within yourself.

Order means that you are seeking to organize and systemize your finances.

Reason means you are leaving behind forever your old pattern of accommodating your spouse’s habits and moving forward, creating goals that move you forward.

Equanimity is the result.

What Defines Your Core?

COMFORT: While difficult for some, meditation is an invitation to allow yourself some quiet time. Meditation is very successful when combined with exercise, such as walking. Exercise and meditation together, maybe one hour a day, can help you surrender your chaos and exchange it for an open space. Take a deep breath. Ask yourself for clarity.

ORDER: Money is often the gateway to creating real, lasting change in your life. While you were suffering in your marriage, did you recite the Serenity Prayer multiple times a day, hoping your spouse would stop acting like a self-destructive teenager? That was not the life you wanted, and now it is time to heal. Money may be your security, and now that divorce has torn apart and rearranged your financial structures, everything that made you feel secure ended. Get real with yourself, make a plan to realign your life, have some hard conversations about money with a financial planner or budget coach.

Getting an accurate financial picture is vital and necessary after divorce. Take an objective, clear look at your finances, so you can make sound decisions about what you need. What will your living costs be? What will your health insurance cost? What is left of your retirement savings? What is your plan to self-support in the event your spouse doesn’t come through?

REASON: Figure out where you stand, create a plan, and hold yourself accountable to it. With the help of a financial planner or budget coach, you will be empowered and able to make choices based on reality, not fantasy. Budgeting your dollars will give you confidence in yourself and put you back in the driver’s seat. Your budget is the number one tool for you to create financial stability and consistency. When an unexpected expense pops up, it’s covered. Emergency car repairs or a broken refrigerator can be handled without drama. 

Equanimity: Divorce, for lack of better terms and to be blunt, may suck, but divorce does not define the rest of your life. Your belief in yourself, plus a working budget, plus a daily action plan toward success, can change your financial situation, leading to security and peace. You have earned it.

Written by Joan van Oss

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